Return of the Ring, and Gollum
by Unhobbity Hobbit
Summary: Contrary to previous rekoning, the ring was not destroyed (which leaves the question: Why was Sauron? But we'll never know). These are Its adventures.......... with Gollum.
1. Death of a Rock

A/N: This was done by myself and my friend, mostly my friend. Her name is "Sophie Smith". Her idea, her writing, she just couldn't be bothered to create her own account. Pah.  
  
Deep in the depths of Mordor, in mount doom. Some Orcs we're playing catch on the edge of the volcano, playfully frolicking (or trying to kill one another) in the peaceful, harmonious (destructive, dangerous) landscape (what, some rocks?). But alas, one young Orc missed his catch, however, much to the disappointment of the other Orcs he did not fall in, although the rock did. The Orcs considered mourning over this rock. Their only true friend. For it was never nasty, did as it was told, was never witty, and shut up when told. The perfect characteristics for an Orc's pal. The Orcs thought long and hard about this, they could have taken centuries over it, instead they took no time whatsoever, and found another rock.  
  
The rock, on the other hand, had other ideas. When it fell into mount doom, it surprisingly enough wasn't trying to commit suicide, as most rocks do unsuccessfully, but it had a ploy, to rest in peace, or find that ring and be the rock ruler of the world. So what if it had to dive into the volcano? It was a rock wasn't it? A note has to be said here, that when people say as thick as a rock, it's a true thing to say. Although rocks do have thought, more than was previously thought, it can only be put, and this is in nice form, that rocks are basically, truly and utterly THICK.  
  
He fell into the gloom, and the thought of death was just beginning to occur to his brain, much at the same speed as a dinosaur sees a hole in the ground, when it happens he thinks of it, sadly it isn't much use stopping in mid air. I suppose the good thing is you wouldn't feel the pain until after you died, but still it does decrease chances of survival a tad.  
  
There was a sound like a ball bouncing off a plastic surface. The rock made a sound rather like boing. Whether it was a rubber rock, a rubber duck in disguise we will never find out, as after it bounced it went into the lava and died, or was denatured, or obliviated, oh you decide. Gone for good.  
  
*OW!* Screeched an uncanny voice. A creature was lurking in the shadows. Two round lamps were standing up in the gloom. How the electricity got down there is a mystery. The lamps said "That hurts us it did. Stupid Rockeses", something else, with an echoed voice which gave one the feeling that it was from a very cheap movie which was trying to express the concept of hearing thoughts, and not doing very well, simply making the voice sound like someone talking through a megaphone - which they probably were - uttered "One it hit YOU! Not me! YOU!!! Not us! YOU!! And two, congratulations on observation!". The lamps seemed to misjudge the tone of sarcasticness ignored the first and cried in an excited squeal "THANKSESS PRECIOUSESES...my dear preciousses. Gollum!".  
  
Whoever eyes we are seeing through had the suspicion that he or she knew this character, someone along the lines of Smeagol, perhaps it was a camcorder, and before you think inanimate objects don't think....if you've read lord of the rings, which you must have done to be reading this, either you're very thick, or you need to rethink what inanimate object the title has in the name - in case you haven't guessed the ring wasn't exactly inanimate "The ring wants to get back to its master" -so don't mind if I give everything a mind alright?  
  
"Smeagol?" said the megaphone voice, "How long have we been here?"  
  
"Gollum?"  
  
"5000 years yet?"  
  
"Gollum?"  
  
"Time flies when you're not having fun. Perhaps it's time we got out, I know I wanted a tan but really."  
  
"Gollum?"  
  
"OH FOR ERU'S SAKE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!"  
  
"Stupid preciouses" The lamps, or rather the creature, began climbing up the cliff. A glint of gold flashed into the camcorder's eyes, and seemed to stare at it. Although both camcorders and rings have no eyes. The world of Middle Earth is peculiar.  
  
The Orcs weren't surprised to see some midget crawl out of the depths of the volcano, they weren't surprised to even see the ring, what they were surprised to see was that the rock hadn't come back up with them. That's Orcs for you, what comes up must bring everything else up with it according to them. Although why they didn't think the volcano would erupt at the same time according to this theory is odd. Perhaps Orcs are a little normal in that they don't like to think of themselves dying. But Orcs normal? I think I'm getting a bit far fetched here. Anyway..continuing.  
  
Smeagol and the ring, or technically just Smeagol as rings can't climb, climbed down the edge of mount Doom! That is they did, until they noticed a sign saying exit, with a dinky little red arrow pointing down a smooth clean cut, broad path, complete with railings. However, by the time the couple noticed it, there was only a metre left, it seemed rather pointless on the whole.  
  
Gollum skipped into the Orc village nearby. Smelt the thistles, got almost assassinated about, oooh lets say a two dozen times, even if it is a little of an exaggeration. (the actually amount was close to 34545650000, almost Smeagol was unaware of it. Being the writer, I felt that having one of the main characters so far dying of a heart attack, however long due his time is, wouldn't be very appropriate at this time). Some little Orcs ran round Smeagol legs and scarred them a little more, Gollum smiled his 6-toothed smile, and patted the little Orc on it's darling little head. The Orc, grinned, and bit Smeagol's finger, before running off.  
  
Gollum sighed, a sweet gentle sigh that could have filled millions of hearts with admiration at its innocence, that is if the next thing he said hadn't been "Stupid fatses Orcsess"  
  
"Smeagol, you need to get a new insult" said the ring  
  
"YEseseses. Preciouseses has a problem with insultsseses does it?"  
  
"Yes. That's what I said."  
  
"Stupid fatseses ring."  
  
"I'VE BEEN ON A DIET!"  
  
"Preciousseses' is all flabbyssss!"  
  
The ring peered down at its smooth, hard, firm, cold, solid, shiny. glistening, golden, - and before I say any more yes it does have - belly.  
  
"I know!!" cried the ring, and sobbed for an hour, before realising that crying doesn't work for a ring, especially when u have no eyes and no tears. 


	2. Clicking S's

A/N: Thankyou so very much iluvpip and Emma. My friend and I were very pleased to see someone had taken the time to review (this is a pointed remark to anyone who is reading and not reviewing by the way). Anyhow, let us continue the tale.  
  
The ring and Smeagol settled under, what should have been a tree, if it hadn't been a rock. The villagers maimed, pillaged, massacred, raped, in their normal duties. The children played doctors and nurses, with their new found and beloved rat. It is to be remembered that in Orc terms this game is also known as "Torturers and Executioners". The couple once more set off on their travels through the wilderness into Shelob's lair. A friend of Smeagol's. On the way there the ring threatened to betray me to my death if I called them a couple once more, I told him to look it up in the dictionary and find a better word. The ring told me dictionaries don't exist in middle-earth. I told him damn.  
  
Smeagol and Shelob kissed cheeks at meeting. Or rather Shelob pressed a hairy pincher up against Smeagol's bony cheek, and Smeagol nudge his face into her fur, and gave her a small bite. They cried in pain at the same time, as Smeagol sank his teeth into her flesh, and the poison began to flow from Shelob's venom filled pincher into Smeagol's veins. It was all very sweet.  
  
"Howsssssssssssssss Aressssssssssssss Youssssssssssssss Mysssssssssssss Sneaksssssssssssss?" She clicked  
  
"How exactly do you click those S's?" interrupted the ring  
  
"Withssssssssssss greatsssssssssssss practisessssssssssssssss."  
  
"Ohsesses, fineses, fineseses." continued and ignored Gollum "I caught a batseses yesterday. It was juicy and scrumptiously crunchy it was yes precious." said Smeagol  
  
"I wouldn't know. I'm on a diet, bats are bad for your structure."  
  
"Yousssssssssssssss eatsssssssssssssss?"  
  
"You sound surprised."  
  
"Yessssssssssssssssssssssssss?"  
  
"Well don't!"  
  
They passed through Shelob's lair during the night. And before you say it, yes I am rushing, no I am not describing, yes I am tired, and yes the journey through Shelob's lair does take more than one night. But tough!  
  
Gollum cried out to Shelob "Parting is such sweet sorrow!"  
  
Shelob cried out to Gollum "Bugger off, and quit using quotes!"  
  
The ring turned to Gollum, or at least it tried, do you know how difficult it is to see someone when you're in their pocket. The ring glowed a bit and muffled something. Smeagol held him out and eventually turned to face the ring.  
  
"So Gollum, where to next?"  
  
"Homeseses?"  
  
There was a pause between them, the wind blew, and swept up a dragonfly, which was later eaten by a fish from the marsh.  
  
"So Gollum, where to next?"  
  
"Homeseses?"  
  
A wolf howled randomly, realised it was alone from its pack, and turned away embarrassed.  
  
"So Gollum, where to next?"  
  
"Homesesses?"  
  
Suspicion was arising that the ring was perhaps suggesting something, and Smeagol was not very quick.  
  
"Let's go to Hobbiton!" cried the ring. And they did. Although not as quickly as that, as transportation hasn't been invented yet. By the way this is continued... 


	3. Rocks float

A/N: due to the floods of reviews we have received (and no I am not schizophrenic, there are actually two of us) we have decided to put up another chapter. Read at your own risk.  
  
They began to make their way through the lands, in the treacherous light. Why is light evil? Two reasons, Gollum, and light creates shadows, and shadows are evil. It's logic!  
  
Gollum and the ring went away from Mulldor - the place with the best wine in the whole of middle earth (not to be mistaken for Mordor) - onwards to Gondor. Where there WAS a king, a captain, a ..and oh a Broom, and you can look up the scene for the rest.  
  
But then they changed their mind and went to Rohan instead.  
  
Smeagol and the ring, skipped down to the Entwash, or technically just Gollum. Smeagol looked at the water, sighed, and jumped in splashing around like a little kid crying out "Fishesesesse!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh dear" said the ring  
  
Sadly Smeagol did not find any fisheseseseses, but he found a trout.  
  
Smeagol held the fish out before him..and stared.  
  
A few minutes passed.  
  
"Are you actually going to do anything with your. Er,Fish?" asked the ring  
  
"I'll hangsess it on the walleseses!"  
  
The ring looked around. They were by a river, with marsh surrounding. But there wasn't a cliff-face, a rock, or a wall in sight. Only a leaf could be mistaken for a wall, and only by something very small.  
  
"Erm, what wall?"  
  
"Thiseses one!!" said an excitable Gollum, he took the fish and placed it in mid-air. It dropped to the floor.  
  
Gollum paid no attention to this and picked it up and tried again.  
  
It fell to the floor, again. (What a surprise!)  
  
"We needseses nailseses"  
  
"No, Gollum, I don't think even that will work."  
  
"Damnsesses!"  
  
Gollum took the fish and stared at it some more. A few minutes later he said. "I'll hangseses on the wall"  
  
"Can we continue?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"SMEAGOL! PUT THE FISH DOWN!"  
  
"NO! preciousesesses."  
  
"PUT IT DOWN NOW!" The ring looked at angrily at Gollum. Smeagol gave a small, petrified squeak, looked at the fish, and swallowed it whole. The ring winced.  
  
The Entwash was a long and fearsome river, with rapids, waterfalls, and sea monsters. All of these things, whether animate or inanimate had safety guidelines to follow, so actually a trip along the river could be described using one word only. Dull.  
  
There could have been a boat conveniently misplaced next to the river with a sign saying "steal me", which would have solved all of our adventurers troubles for a maximum of two minutes. But there wasn't. There was however a rock with a sign saying "steal me". This would do fine.  
  
"Looksesesesse!" squeaked Gollum  
  
"WHAT!?" The ring said startled at the sudden noise, it had been polishing itself, minding its own business, and now it had a smudge all thanks to Gollum. It better be good.  
  
"Lookeseses" Gollum pointed to something.  
  
The ring turned at looked, at the marvellous, magnificent sight before him. So wonderful it made Gollum giggle with glee.  
  
The ring paused, and took a deep, slow breath.  
  
"It's a rock."  
  
"Yeseseses. But lookseseseses"  
  
The ring looked  
  
"it's a rock with a sign?"  
  
"Readsesseses!"  
  
"Some prankster put steal me on it?"  
  
"Yeseseses. It good!"  
  
Gollum ran up to the rock took up a handy flint lurking in the river and began to chip away at the rock, obviously trying to make something. Perhaps Gollum had some hidden artistry and he regularly used to carve rocks in hidden places away from sight, and therefore for absolutely pointless reasons.  
  
The ring asked Smeagol what he was making  
  
"BOATESES!" he screamed  
  
The ring touched the place where its ears should have been, or maybe are. I do not know of the body of a ring..it might be well developed. At any rate that's what it did.  
  
"Out of the rock?" questioned the ring  
  
"Yeseseseses!"  
  
The ring felt a great pity for Gollum. He soon overcame it, in a matter of 0.0000000000000001 seconds actually.  
  
"It won't work."  
  
"Yes it will, precious! Gollum! Just you waitseses. we've made boats before!"  
  
The ring blinked, or would have blinked.  
  
"It won't work."  
  
"Yes it will!"  
  
"Gollum, rocks sink. You know sink?"  
  
"Yes. But this won't be a rock anymore when it's done. It will be a boat!"  
  
"Made out of rock?"  
  
"But a boat!"  
  
The ring felt a sudden urge to have hands, even if just for the simple reason as to show Gollum that in the laws of physics, even in middle-earth, rocks don't float. He longed to throw a stone, just one, into the Entwash. Sadly a ring has no hands, so he just gave in and watched Gollum make his creation.  
  
Two years passed...  
  
"ITSESESES ISESESESE DONESESESE!!!!!!"  
  
He revealed a well crafted ship. Turrets, and decorations beyond belief. A mast, with two grey sails, made out of rock. A gangplank, and even a little dragon decoration at the front. It had a crow's nest, and a titanic front with a little Leo and his love on it waving. Goodness knows how it was going to fit in the Entwash though.  
  
The ring was stunned.  
  
"It won't float, and even if it did. It's a tad big"  
  
Gollum looked disappointed.  
  
"Fineseses" he took down a badly crafted lifeboat.  
  
"It won't work. It'll sink."  
  
"No it won't precious!"  
  
He grabbed hold of the rock. It didn't move. He pulled harder, his bony structure tugging with all its might. It didn't move.  
  
Gollum sighed. "It would have workseses."  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight" said the ring, and made Gollum grab a log and put it in, before they hopped aboard.  
  
It is to be noticed that in the future, when the world was full of water, a boat was seen once by some sailors. Not just any boat though. A beautifully hand crafted ship, complete with sails that blew magically in the wind. The only thing about it was, it was grey.  
  
Another thing is that it was driven by a fox, a badger, and a few other creatures claiming to be the future's animals of farthing wood. Evolution really does exist.  
  
Oh and the boat was floating without magic.  
  
And yes it was the boat made of rock  
  
Seriously?? 


	4. The Kingdom of Rohan

A/N: absolutely no idea why it took me so long to update this as I've had this chapter written for ages so I apologise profusely to anyone who might just happen to be reading this. Oh and just like to say that there has been no attempt to be PC (Politically Correct) and so it isn't.  
  
Return of the Ring, and Gollum

The couple drifted along to Rohan. The great kingdom of Rohan. Along the Highway of the river just before entering Rohan, there was a little sign. They didn't quite catch what it said, but it was something along the lines of "Neigh".  
  
We've all heard of planet of the apes, or at least most people have. If you're reading this and you haven't. WATCH IT NOW! Just for the sake of it, and for advertising qualities, this could make me big bucks. Despite the fact that the relevance of it to this story is tiny.  
  
Anyway. Horses had always been big in Rohan, they prided their steeds. They were strong and noble people. The horses I mean. Always understood if someone didn't understand them. There used to be a king before the horses took over, went along the lines of Eomer. His great son is now working as a knight. Except for the fact that the horse rides the person. Eomer the 56th was know on the throne. A great and noble horse. He was called Eomer, because horses aren't good with names, and even they felt that a name such as "Snowflake" or "Lucky" wasn't appropriate for a king.  
  
A horse clad in mail greeted our travellers. It neighed once, blew a raspberry and stamped its foot.  
  
Smeagol and the ring blinked twice.  
  
The horse blew another raspberry  
  
They blinked again.  
  
The horse sighed, stamped his foot twice, and blew a raspberry.  
  
Smeagol thinking he was getting the idea of things blew about ten raspberries, while doing something similar to a classic Russian dance.  
  
In horse language this is the highest insult of all. It is so bad that I cannot even type it. So bad that I couldn't type it even if I wanted to as nothing as bad has been invented in the human language.  
  
It can be roughly translated as "Giddy up" or "Ride them cowboy!"  
  
But worst of all, the most terrible insult brought down so low when I type.  
  
Pony...  
  
The horses of Rohan therefore performed the most terrible punishment of them all. The most degrading. They put a bit in Gollum's mouth, and left him in a stable without ANY STRAW! However, according to Gollum, it actually tasted rather nice. As for the ring, it was too small, and insisted on not growing this one time.  
  
At the end of the day when the horses arrived to relieve Smeagol of this terrible punishment, they were shocked to see him clinging on to his bit and grinding it between his six teeth. When they tried to take it away.  
  
They could only think of one more punishment for Smeagol. The most terrible thing ever! They put him in the stable, with much effort took the bit out of his mouth and threw hi to eat the most repulsive thing. Only just edible in their eyes. Cold, clammy, disgusting. It was a mystery why anything could eat one.  
  
A fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ahh no!)  
  
"FISHESESESESE!!!!!!!!!""""""" he said lots of times, hence the large amount of speech marks.  
  
The horses walked away. Smirking to themselves at his scream of disgust and outrage, they had finally cracked him, although not literally, unless he was humpty dumpty in disguise that is. Actually thinking about it the horses didn't know what creature Gollum was. He may be an egg. As you can tell horses are not used to common thinking, or eggs that walk and talk (well you have rings why not eggs), the idea of yolk sploshing over their stable filled them with despair. Although it took a few minutes for them to realise this. Otherwise they would have figured that Gollum wasn't an egg.  
  
Gollum held the fish high above his head, like a whatever Sikhs call their holy book. He considered praying and worshipping, meditating to this fish. But it was decaying rapidly, so this would be a little pointless. He swallowed it in one gulp again, and the ring winced, again.  
  
The horses could be heard galloping round the corner shouting "TO THE EGG!" in horse language of course, which sounded rather like stamp stamp stamp, a little misunderstood when galloping. Others heard it as "THE ICE CREAMS ARE COMING!" or "BUY ONE GET ONE THREE" Then they realised it was free not three, and yes it is a coincidence that the two words can be easily mistaken in horse language too.  
  
Random fact: Rohan, before the horses took over, was renowned Middle- Earth wide for it's ability at making ice cream. This explains the fact that "ice cream" is the simplest thing to say in horse language.  
  
Overall with the terror of cold ice-creams and new years salesmen it was a pretty scary situation. They all galloped. The ring looked up in the stable to the sound of so many tiny..or large feet.  
  
"Oh dear"  
  
Another fact is that horses are like wildebeest, one gets scared, they all get scared. Panic spreads, and basically they all die, or kill everyone.  
  
What the hey I'm bored with Rohan, I'll write this later. The people took over okay. (sorry to all you horse fans out there, it just wasn't meant to be)

TBC (oh the suspense!)


End file.
